Incarceration Preparation

As you’ve probably already heard…Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff made his way to North Carolina this week to begin his long-term stay (150 years) at one of our federal prisons. I don’t know how most people “prepare” for prison…but it turns out, when you are swimming in cash (or, you *were*) and slightly (read: highly) out of touch with reality, like Mr. Madoff, you hire a…prison coach. is reporting that his coach, Herb Hoelter, reassured the concerned public (…right.) that after a few motivational speeches…Bernie was NOT afraid to start his term. Herb also told him that he would not be in danger at the Butner prison…calling it a “good facility” this is well run (….RIGHT). He even gets 300 minutes a month in phone calls! That’s better than MY cell phone plan…

I wonder what that job is like?…reassuring the wicked that prison wont be “that bad.” had some answers…

Prison Coach provides “Incarceration Preparation” (“Conjunction junction…what’s your functioonnnnn? Everybody sing it with me!)…coaching services on the “strategies” required to complete their sentence. They say that after their program, prisoners will not fear the unexpected, they will “ease into a new way of living and eventually return to society – where [they] belong.” (really?!) They even offer sentence reduction services…up to 18 months.

This is no small operation…services include: webinars, hands-on programs, family services and seminars. They even have “special programs” for 18-22 year olds, homosexuals and woman that are “HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.”

They say you “can’t become a cage fighter overnight” but they will give you the “cliff notes” in “survival of the fittest.” I wonder if Madoff can now throw an upper-cut or a Camel Clutch?

Prison Coach also has a FAQ page…I’m sorry…I can’t help myself…I had to include my  own commentary in italics….

  • ·  What will the other inmates think of me? (social circles are EVERYTHING!)
  • ·  Will I be assaulted ? (well…this IS prison…)
  • ·  Will I be given a body cavity search? (see: Camel Clutch technique)
  • ·  What will a normal day be like? (will I have free time to check my Facebook?)
  • ·  How will I pass the time? (I have 150 years…and I get bored easily)
  • ·  Can I exercise? (are yoga classes available?)
  • ·  What will I eat? (I eat a macrobiotic refined sugars please.)
  • ·  What will the sleeping arrangements be like? (I am a billionaire…I sleep only on 3000 count Egyptian cotton sheets)
  • ·  Will I have to shower in front of other men?
  • ·  Will I have to go to the bathroom in front of other men?
  • ·  Will I be locked up with murderers and rapists?


Not to make light of prison…but I can’t help but find this utterly fascinating…


1 Comment

  1. Many residents of New Hanover County had their trash containers removed by Waste Industries even though the containers were owned by – to whom we were paid up. I live off Castle Hayne Rd.- Blue Clay Rd. in The Ivy Woods/Running Meade subdivision. I asked the man in the Waste Industries truck why he was taking my trash receptacle, he replied; ‘I don’t know.’ We have received no correspondence from, or WI. I called numerous people on Monday, but they were conveniently closed for Labor Day. Not a single one of my messages were responded to. This is day 2 without a garbage container, and I’ve already spotted rodents. This is the start of a major health problem for all residents of these neighborhoods. Of interest: over a year ago, WI bought out our previous service company: A1 Sanitation. We paid WI for their services, they sent a portion of our payment back to us & removed our container. We hired, and they have been the best company yet. It appears that WI has bought out all independent trash service companies, and now has a monopoly on unincorporated sections of New Hanover County. Their service is pitiful, as can be proven by our current situation. I plan on contacting The New Hanover County Commissioners to get an answer to why they are allowing a monopoly to basically destroy our quality of life on the outskirts of Wilmington. It would be of immense help if a News organization of your stature could investigate and find out why New Hanover is allowing us to be treated with such abject disrespect! Thank You, T. G. Hill

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